jokes makes me felt uncomfortable.

I tried to hold in my anger. But, everytime I make an attempt to fight them back, nothing came out from my mouth. Instead, tears come out from my eyes, because I felt sharp pain in my heart.

Those hurtful words carry a great power to influence my mind.

In my adolescence, I grew up as a girl who had a low self-esteem and self-hating.

I suffered from inferiority feelings. Sometimes, I think myself as an unworthy and unacceptable person no matter what I do or whatever achievement I made.

I was considering myself as a philophobic. I think that I do not deserve to be in love, cannot be loved by somebody and nobody will loves me in return.

At that time, I detest myself for being ugly and was lacking of self-confidence. I blame my unhappiness on my body and face. I always believe that I was ugly both inside and outside. Because of that, I was distancing myself from the others. Not participating or socializing and always try to avoiding mirrors so I cannot see my disgusting face. Sometimes I think that, whether I was around or not, it wouldn't make a difference. Even if I die, no one will looks for me. Emotional pain from my experience, created an invisible wound that leads to my self-destruction.

Until now, I have never consider myself as a beauty.

Self Acceptance

Everyone dealing with their own pain.

After underwent a similar situation in my junior high school, I did not want to destroying myself for the second time. So, I left my hometown in order to recovering and starting a new life. I went to study aboard in senior high school, far away from my family and friends.

Overcoming that traumatic experiences was one of my hardest effort in life. I was lucky enough to realized that life is too beautiful to be wasted. I never regret my decision to come out from my hometown. The thing that I learn from life, If people around you did not care or not supporting you, you must go away from that place and start looking for a new place where the people would loved you for the way you are and cherished you.

And I found my place. I found my 'home'.

I learned to regulate my emotions. For the first in my life, I tried both loving and letting oneself to be loved. It turns out, to let ourselves be loved was harder than to loved someone.Surprisingly, I acquire a knowledge to interact with another person. I built my own confidence, moreover joining dancer team in high school.

Did I transform into a new person?

No. I am still that 'old Maria' on the inside. That shy and timid person who loves being alone, a bookworm who loves to read, write and draw everything.

But the different thing is, now I am happier and always be grateful.

I learn to accepting myself. I try to loving myself more and be positive about my life. I identified my own weaknesses and of course my strengths.

As I have matured, I realized that people judge another person based on the physical appearance. They will, and always love to judge you. Judgement is human nature, you cannot change that because it is a part of our thinking process.

Based on "What is Beautiful is Good", a Journal of Personality and Social Psychology written by Karen Dion, Ellen Berscheid and Elaine Walster, evidence abounds that attractive people are judged more positively on a wide variety of dimension. Analyses reveal that attractive individuals were indeed judged to be more socially desirable than are unattractive person, and it is presumed that their lives will be happier and more successful